a tumblog of a girl coming to terms with her reality.
My weekend and week haven’t been great. This past weekend I went to hang out at a party with the intention of finally getting to drink in peace and possibly getting drunk (I KNOW I KNOW: DONT DRINK TO GET DRUNK BLAH BLAH BLAH) but it didn’t go like that.
There was a cast party for two of my friends who had a show the week before thanksgiving. I went because I was invited, not that I’m a part of the cast but because they want me to meet people before I move (if I move to that school). Well … they forgot to tell everyone there that I DO NOT ENJOY BEING TOUCHED. And I don’t like crowds. And not ten minutes after everyone showed up was there this huge crowd around the chair I was in. I had to stop drinking because my hands were shaking so terribly. So I finally left with someone else and went to wal mart, got food, came back to the party and retreated into one of the bedrooms.
A friend was inside the room on the bed, drunk. So I began to babysit because she couldn’t stand up without falling. An hour later after her boyfriend came and got her then brought her back he came to me and told me that she was faking it and he’d seen her react just fine. Needless to say I’m pissed off at her though I don’t outwardly show my hurt. Especially after all of the bullshit I’ve had to put up with from her I think I’m validated.
The day after the party I lounged around with everyone, told my mom I’d be leaving by 1-2 PM because that was agreed on. We ate lunch, came back and … well my ride sat on the couch for four hours laughing obnoxiously at videos while my mother called twice. Needless to say, I’m never travelling without my car again. Sorry, but I don’t like depending on someone else, get all butt hurt over it if you want but I cannot wait on you any fucking more.
Monday came and, well I appealed to return to my community college before Thanksgiving and was waiting for a reply. A friend told me I needed to go to them and I guess my story was too ridiculous for them to even believe because I got denied. I’m bitter about it but I’ll learn to get over it.
BUT TONIGHT, that friend who sat on his couch for hours on end and wouldn’t take me home?
Now let me say this, I have nothing against gay people, the gay community, and I believe everyone has the right to be whoever they want to be and grow and change and everything.
But I’m beginning to hate my best friend who (ever since coming out to all of his friends) has been turning into your a-typical boy crazy gay male who thinks he can be a sassy motherfucker. He’s loud, obnoxious, talks about wanting someone’s dick in his mouth at all times. And … I’m really ready to just call it quits. I don’t want to lose another friend because I’ll probably never make anymore with the way I go about it, but … I just can’t go through the toxicity of a person like that anymore.
I know in my post before I’ve talked about my own sexuality, but it isn’t something I spout off to anyone within a three foot radius. In fact it wasn’t until this past weekend I told two of my friends, two that I know will keep the secret, about me being on fetlife. And one of them I feel like I shouldn’t have told because she gets this goofy ass smile on her face and I just want to scream “MY SEXUAL DESIRES ARE NOTHING TO LAUGH AT.”
I feel like I really need to reevaluate who my friends are.
Even tonight my friend (the gay-guy) tried to be sassy.
Now I realize that I’m overreacting about this.
But the culmination of this weekend and then having to deal with this and the fact the only time he’ll go back to his apartment is to try and show someone who he wants to date that doesn’t want him just how much they’re missing (and it isn’t much because this kid … he doesn’t clean jack shit) just all built up. I can’t take it anymore.
I just don’t know how to handle it.
So for my first talk of my non-immediate family I feel like I should say I am the outcast. My family, on both sides, think I’m … strange. When my grandparents died last year (Grandmother on the 21st of Nov and Grandfather on 18 of April) I didn’t cry. Not at the funerals. None of my cousins speak to me, even if we’re within the same group and I’m standing around with my brother (ie, everyone’s favorite.)
And so … it came to be a huge ass surprise that my great aunt (Grandmother’s sister) wants me to go hang out with her more. Every time I go see (once every two weeks since she’s the only family member still in this town) she’s telling me to call her to get a hair appointment. She wanted to go with me to get my hair cut a month ago, and then just yesterday she was telling me how I should be a blonde, get my hair bleached by her hair dresser. Something my grandmother probably would have stroked over.
Not that I’m complaining I love making changes to my hair/person I’m just a noncommittal person.
I don’t even get this kind of attention from my immediate family. My own brother doesn’t sit down and talk to me the way my aunt does. Perhaps I am over thinking things and I just need to go with the flow.
But fuck, my family is confusing.
Its such an abstract thing.
Sexuality. In my opinion anyway.
There’s this whole stigma about women who enjoy sex. They’re called ‘sluts’ and ‘whores’ simply for enjoying the feeling their body gets from having sex. And where I grew up this stigma was everywhere. When I was younger I even participated in the taunting of these girls who “grew up” quickly.
But the tormenting I did has pretty much made it where I’m afraid to come to terms with my own sexuality. At my age a lot of the girls I know have had sex, nearly all of them … actually all the girls I know that are my age /have/ had sex.
I was one of the only virgins in my group in college. Which my friends saw no problem with but a few other people I had to work with did. Saying I had no experience and it couldn’t help me in my choice of career. They’re probably right, BUT I don’t see how a person can’t portray ‘sexy’ just because they’ve never had sex.
So … how do you over come the fear that you’ll be ridiculed for having sex? That people will suddenly look down on you? How do you let go to the idea that you’ve clung to your whole life even when you feel like it has no real meaning.
I tell myself that all the time. “My virginity is just a state of mind” and yet if I was posed the opportunity to have sex with someone I was extremely attracted to … I wouldn’t do it. For fear that suddenly I’d be ridiculed for being a virgin.
Its just a no win situation.
I never thought my life would be so difficult, becoming accustomed to my own skin and realizing my faults and trying to change them.
My life isn’t difficult in the way it could be. I’m very well taken care for, of course I don’t have all of the latest technology nor everything I could ever dream of but I do have everything I can afford to have. I’m fed every day, clothed, I have a bed I can sleep in and walls and a roof to keep me dry and warm (though at night I’ll confess that I like to stay cold.)
I’m not happy though.
I want things.
Feel as though I deserve them … mostly I just want to feel accepted and loved. To not be a nervous wreck all the time. I’m growing used to myself, which honestly maybe I shouldn’t be used to myself at all. I’m still growing as a person and perhaps I shouldn’t just be content with who I am right now. At my age so many things can change and I have such a life to lead … but I cannot seem to get out of my bed and go lead the life I dream about.
I’ve got to learn to not be okay.
